poetry/prose by Calvero.
i will not cut off my head to see if a rainbow comes shooting out


Tonight
I can hear
darkness.

It screams at me
through a megaphone
and tells me
to lop off
my head and see
if a rainbow
comes shooting out
but I’m like,
    “No…”

I’m like,
    “No…”
because I’m too lazy
to get up
and go find
something
to do it with.

But mainly
I’m like,
    “No…”
because I’m too scared
to get up.

If I get up
from this steel chair
I will die
right now

but if I keep
punching keys
on this keyboard
the impossibility
of living
can’t get me.

It hides
everywhere,
    the impossibility
    of living,
but just like when you’re
a little kid
and the stomachs
of the monsters
hiding in your closet
are gurgling
and making noises
because they’re hungry,
    those monsters can’t hurt you
if you pull
your blankets up
over your head.

Me typing
and punching keys
is me
being 28
and pulling up
my blankets
over my head
and hiding from
the impossibility
of living.

The impossibility
of living
is everywhere
though.

It’s in these walls,
it’s in your neighbors eyes,
it’s in your nephew’s frown,
it’s in your sister’s tears,
it’s in every single
human being’s
heart.

Human
hearts…

What kinda stingy-ass
fuckin’, stupid God
gives a human being
only one heart
to live a lifetime
with?

Fuckin’
dumb-ass
    god.

The darkness
calls for rainbows
to come shooting
outta my neck
and now
    more than ever
I realize
you need to be careful
who you let
touch your heart
because you only
get one,

one to last you
an entire lifetime

and your heart
gets hurt
and raped
and dropped
and forgotten about
and lacerated

and the heart
never fully recovers
ever
either.

The human heart
never ever
fully recovers

which is why
we live in a world
full of damaged people
with damaged,
fucked up hearts
that look and love like a car’s bumper
after getting rear-ended
at 50 MPH

and we recycle
our hearts
because we have
no choice
but to recycle them
and then we become
scared to love.

We become scared to love
and lose
anymore
of our only heart
than we already have,

we become
stingy,

we become
Scrooge McDuck
from Mickey’s
Christmas Carol

and we become
incapable
of loving the way
we used to
when we were children.

The darkness
screams at me
through a megaphone
and tells me
to lop off
my head and see
if a rainbow
comes shooting out
but I refuse,

I won’t.

I believe
there is something out there
worth believing in
but I don’t believe
it will ever be
found in people.

People are incapable
of properly loving
one another.

People are born
with brilliant minds
and our brilliant minds
have put a man
on the fuckin’ moon
and yet we can’t ever
remember
on a daily basis

the
single
fuckin’
fact

how fragile
we all are,

how badly
we’ve all
already been hurt,

that we’re still hurting
like mother fuckers.

We are ignorant
and brilliant
and we can raise cities
and make TV shows
like The Simpsons
and yet we can’t remember
to love one another
in the ways
we all
deserve.

People will never
learn
how to properly love
one another.

People will never
learn
how to take care
of one another

and this is why
it’s so important
for you to love
yourself.

You need to learn
to love yourself.

You can’t rely on
your parents
or your siblings
or your girlfriend
or your boyfriend
or your wife or husband
or your friends.

You can’t rely
on love
from the world.

You need to learn to love yourself.
You need to learn to love yourself.
You need to learn to love yourself.
You need to learn to love yourself.
You need to learn to love yourself.
You need to learn to love yourself.

You need to learn
to protect your one heart
from the carelessness
and selfishness
of mankind

    and yet
       
        somehow

        somehow…


you still need
to try
and love
mankind
too

because when we stop
doing that

that
is when
we will ultimately
lose.

And that,
 
    that
crazy mindfuck
right fuckin’ there,

    THAT

is the impossibility
of living.

    THAT
is what screams
at me
through a megaphone
and tells me
to lop
my head off
to see if a rainbow
comes shooting out.

It screams
and screams
and screams
and I never knew
darkness
could be so loud

but it is

and it hurts

and I’m still here

and I’m not sure
why.


Maybe it’s because
I’m finally learning
to love

myself.


Who knows?

I don’t…


I provide
no answers.


I’m just one more
crazy, fucked up
kid
who’s trying not
to quit.


© Calvero 2013

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    holy shit this is amazing
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    Thank you for this. You are a very intelligent man. Touché my dear, touché.
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